This was an absolutely fascinating read! This entire article is only 8 pages long and is well worth the read. (You can also read about it with a few reviews on Goodreads here.) I have honestly always felt that my parent/child relationship was slightly apart from my ability to be able to correct and discipline my children. In the past, I have heard myself say, "You need to do it this way--I am the parent and I know best!" Ugh. How does that respect my children and how does that make them want to listen to me if they feel they live in a dictatorship? As my children have grown, I have learned on my own that if I have a strong and loving relationship with them, they are more apt to listen to what I say, which makes correction and discipline less of an issue. I LOVED the way this article pointed out that if I'm having a problem with any part of this pyramid, if I look to the section BELOW that problem and fix that, then the section above will straighten itself out. What does this look like? Let's say my kids don't take kindly to my correction and discipline. Well, am I teaching them properly already? or am I just lecturing and not giving my kids a chance to air their point of view and be heard (part of the parent/child relationship, by the way)? How IS my relationship with my children? Am I distant from them 'because I'm their parent', or do they know that I deeply care about them and their welfare? Here is another thought that I've pondered upon over the years. Many people and experts reiterate the fact that I, as a parent, am NOT my child's friend. I am their parent. I'd like to respectfully disagree. There are a couple of definitions of 'friends' that I'd like to point out. I think when people tell parents that they are not their children's friend, they're looking at friendship as the kind of person who enables you to do what's wrong--who encourages you to break rules--who wants to stay up late chatting about boys or gets you to skip school. Isn't that the kind of 'friend' that we as parents always try to teach our children to avoid? We tell them that this type of person is NOT really their friend? What kind of friend do we want our children to find? Wouldn't it be the kind of friend that would support our child in doing well in school? who would do anything to help and be there for them through thick and thin? who would lift them up, encourage them, but also remind them of what's really important? There are even some friends who would call a person out if they did something awful--and they would do this because they love their friend and want what's best for them. With THAT definition of 'friend', don't you think that a parent really should be their child's best friend? My daughter is my best friend (other than my husband, of course). We talk and laugh and have a wonderful time together. We have the type of relationship where we call each other out when we see the other doing something that isn't right. We keep each other honest, encourage each other to be the best we can be, and discuss deeply every issue. That is friendship. But what about when she does something wrong and I have to correct her? My 'correcting' of my kids does not look like me standing over them and lecturing them on how what they did was wrong. I don't look at them and tell them how disappointed I am in their choice. I am not a dictator. I'm also not a marshmallow. I would never just let it slide by, hoping they'll just learn their lesson from how bad they feel. It's all about understanding. I sit with them. We talk. I listen. As crazy as this sounds, it always works. If my child/parent relationship is struggling, according this pyramid I should look at my marital relationship. This had NEVER occurred to me, but as I took a good look at this idea, and thought back on when there were parent/child issues, I realized that it's true. When my husband and I are working tightly together and are completely united, there seem to be less issues. But when I found myself struggling with my children, it was usually because I was annoyed at something going on between my husband and myself, so I was using one of the kids to complain to. OH goodness, that's not healthy! My kids could feel the friction--and luckily, my daughter would call me on it! Those types of situations are not healthy for children nor for your marriage. I found this idea fascinating. My marriage comes before my parent/child relationship--and if that's the case, then my relationships can all be healthy! But the base of the pyramid--that's the hard one. If I'm not ok, then EVERYTHING suffers. This makes SO much sense. If I'm being selfish and stressed, and act like the whole world revolves around me, my marriage suffers, my children suffer, my words fall on deaf ears, and everything falls apart. It's true! My 'way of being' shapes all the other relationships in my life. This is different than my 'alone time', or my 'feelings of fulfillment'. We do all need to have time to ourselves and we do need to have our needs fulfilled, HOWEVER if we are selfless and loving in our Way of Being, our marriage relationship will grow, and many of our needs will automatically be fulfilled...our parent/child relationship will grow and we will feel fulfilled... Our ability to be understood will increase and we will feel more appreciated, because we are understanding and appreciating our family members. Yes, there is a circle within the triangle. The love, understanding, and unselfish service we give to our partner and our children will find it's way back to us and will create an atmosphere of love and peace. There's an old saying: "Love is the only thing that you get more of by giving it away." So we work on our selfish tendencies in order to better our 'way of being' and increase unity withing our marital relationship. We nurture our marriage in order to create a better parent/child relationship. We nurture our children and create a fantastic relationship with them in order to better teach them (through word--but also mostly through example). We teach them (NOT lecture!!!) so that when the time for correction comes, they will listen and understand. What a beautiful cycle. References:
Arbinger Company. 1998. The parenting pyramid. Retrieved from: https://content.byui.edu/file/91e7c911-20c5-4b9f-b8fc-9e4b1b37b6fc/1/Parenting_Pyramid_article.pdf Arbinger Institute. 2008. The parenting pyramid. Retrieved from: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2603513-the-parenting-pyramid
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What is parenting? How can we possibly manage it? It's especially daunting during this time of school closures, lock-downs, social distancing, and quarantines. Life is uncertain and crazy at the best of times...now what are we supposed to do? This semester, I'm taking a Parenting Skills class as part of my major (Marriage and Family Science). My overall final project for the course is a short series of blog posts that address theories, helps, and insights into parenting! What a fantastic idea! Over the course of the next 6 weeks, I'll be updating this page with helps and facts that have inspired me during my daily studies. Hopefully it will help someone else out there, too! Being a parent is no piece of cake, but if I'm honest, I'd rather have ice cream or a popsicle anyway. Hopefully each post will be like having a lovely bowl of 'parenting ice cream' or a 'parenting popsicle'. We could all use a little treat these days. |
MOM!There is so much that can be said in that one little word... We can all use a little help as we navigate our lives as parents! ArchivesCategories |