We are huge fans of the old Studio C team. I could never name a favorite, since 95% of them make me laugh out loud, but one that we quote often is 'The Great British Bake-off'. One of the tarts made for the 'competition' is the 'bribery tart'--which was a plate full of artfully arranged money instead of a tart. What did this young lady hope to accomplish by offering the judges a plate full of money? She was hoping to win without doing any of the effort. When we began this week's study on bribes and our children, I had the bribery tart on my mind constantly. 'Winning without effort' is exactly what happens when we give our kids unrelated 'rewards' or 'incentives' for doing something. Offering sums of cash in order to 'motivate' our children to finish their homework, for example, doesn't help them finish well. The focus changes from learning and gaining knowledge, to a monetary outcome. Some parents might argue: "But when our children grow up, they'll go to work! And what is the 'reward' for work? Money! Shouldn't we be training them to earn money?" Absolutely! I am 100% in the camp that believes that kids need to earn money and learn how to be wise stewards before they leave home! They need to know the value of money, how to save, how to spend wisely, how to use checks and debit cards, how to keep track of their accounts and their spending, what happens when they overspend, how to avoid credit card debt, how to make wise loan decisions, etc. But paying them for doing their homework is a disservice. It teaches them to focus on the wrong reward. The natural reward for completing your homework is not financial gain. It is knowledge and perseverance. In an article titled, "Are We Spoiling Our Kids With Too Much Praise?", the author, Joanna Pocock, shares the perfect response to why bribes are harmful: "...the offering of additional rewards devalues an already self-justifiable activity, which from the student’s perspective translates as, ‘If someone has to pay me for doing this, it must not be worth doing for its own sake.’" Isn't it true that sometimes when we're given a reward for doing something, it may lessen the feeling of accomplishment that comes with it? What if we paid our children to participate in an orchestra or to practice. What would happen to the feeling of joy when you finish playing a concert that you've worked so hard for? Might they not focus on the beauty of the music and instead just slog through so they can get their money? The natural reward of the feeling of accomplishment and joy in the music becomes tainted by something that is completely unrelated. Life is messy sometimes. Money, bags of candy, unmerited outings are not always the reward for a job well done. Shouldn't we be teaching that to our children as well? Shouldn't we teach them how to feel and accept the natural rewards that come through our efforts?
Now, don't get me wrong. I do reward my kids. I give incentives. There are things that happen naturally when they do what they're supposed to do. Our kids get an allowance, but it's not arbitrary. Each month, we have personal interviews with our kids and ask them how they did on their chores. Then we discuss how much they think their efforts were worth. We have a pay scale with a low and a high amount. If they want to put in the effort for the higher allowance amount, they have to put in a lot of extra effort. They know this. An example of a good incentive is pictured here. My daughter takes Chinese lessons. She works really hard. At the end of each quarter, her Chinese tutor sends her a package full of Chinese things: snacks, trinkets, letters. She requires my daughter to make a video of her opening the package and describing each item in Chinese. Then she gets to enjoy all of her goodies. It's a really fun treat while still incorporating her learning and rewarding her hard work. We have treats for specific parts of our day. We all get treats during our quiet reading time--but it's not a bribe that says, 'if you read for 30 minutes, then I'll give you a piece of candy!' It's more of a, 'it's time to relax, here's a snack or a treat, go read and re-group.' At the end of every two weeks, if everyone feels like they've worked hard in their school work and homework, my kids get to buy music to download on their devices. They all listen to motivating music while they read or study, so we all felt like this was something that went hand-in-hand. My kids all have musical talents that they practice--the rewards for that is a family orchestra where we all play together. We get new music every few weeks and enjoy playing together. Our reward is being together and enjoying the music we play. There are SO many different types of rewards! It is up to us, as parents, to really put some thought into those rewards. Just as punishments should fit the crime, rewards should fit the endeavor. I've always struggled with this idea of the word 'bribes'. One of our favorite instructors, Andrew Pudewa, from Institute for Excellence in Writing (IEW) once said that bribes are things that you give people to do something illegal. I thought about that, and wondered if since what I'm asking my kids to do isn't illegal, can it be called a bribe? Perhaps not, but there's something else to consider. Mr. Pudewa also stated 3 laws about motivation in children: 1. Children like to do what they can do. 2. Children want to do what they think they can do. 3. Children hate and will refuse to do what they think they cannot do. I agree with this. So what does this have to do with bribes, and why could over-praising and over-rewarding our kids actually become an 'illegal' activity? A few thoughts come to mind from an article by Dr. Steve Dennis, College Dean of Education & Human Development of BYU-Idaho. In his article, titled "What's the Problem with Bribes?", he discusses some of the negative outcomes from over-incentivizing and over-praising our children. One thing he mentioned in particular were the 'if', 'then' statements. "If you memorize that poem, I'll take you to play mini-golf!" I admit that I've done this sort of thing in the past. If my child really struggled with something, and cried non-stop while trying to accomplish it, I wanted them to have something to look forward to! But Dr. Dennis said something that really made me think: "This “if-then” approach may occasionally spur the child toward an immediate goal. But it seldom, if ever, inspires her toward continual efforts. Our very words convey to her that we doubt her ability to change for the better. “If you learn the poem” means “We are not sure you can.”" I had to stop and think about this. When I do this to my kids, am I really telling them that I don't think they can do it on their own? Is that what they hear? And here I was thinking I was spurring them on to greatness. I suppose it’s not ‘spurring them on’, since they won’t focus on the task and doing it well, only finishing it so they can get a treat and move on to the next horrible task. Will it bring on Mr. Pudewa's third law of motivation? Will they think they can't do it, so they won't? Should that be considered illegal? Another interesting thought from Dr. Dennis is the idea of expecting rewards. What happens if we ALWAYS bring home a treat from the grocery store for our kids? It no longer becomes a special treat, but an entitlement. And what about once our child figures out that if he doesn't finish his homework on time, we'll 'bribe' him with money--so he'll stop doing ALL of his homework with the anticipation of earning more money from us as we beg him to finish what he's been assigned!! That seems like that should be illegal, too... Dr. Dennis said this about this situation: “Some children purposely misbehave in order to get their parents to pay them to behave better. Such reasoning may soon lead to bargaining and blackmail, and to ever-increasing demands for prizes and fringe benefits in exchange for 'good' behavior. Some parents have been so conditioned by their children that they do not dare come home from a shopping trip without a present. They are greeted by the children not with a 'Hello', but with a 'What-did-you-bring-me?' Rewards are most helpful and more enjoyable when they are unannounced in advance, when they come as a surprise, when they represent recognition and appreciation.” Isn't it so much more fun, so much more rewarding, to receive a prize that was unanticipated? The first time my daughter received her Chinese care package, she was so surprised! She didn't know it was something her teacher liked to do after 3 months of hard work! It wasn't something she was working toward; it wasn't something on her radar. It was a fun surprise, and it still is! I would much rather have my child finish their work, then surprise them (once in awhile, mind you), with a special treat for their efforts. Of course, if it happens all the time and for every little thing, it could slide right back into the 'what-did-you-bring-me' category. It would be switched to 'what-are-you-going-to-give-me-now-that-I-finished' category, but it's basically the same thing. We have to consider our rewards. Once we start to really consider what we're doing to our children when we praise them for every single little thing and offer rewards and bribes in order to get them to comply, we can see that these things truly are not going to help our children in the long run. Effort will help them. Hard work will help them. Learning from mistakes and failure will help them. Teaching them pride in a job really well done will help them. As Dr. Duckworth said in a fantastic video about teaching our children GRIT: "Talent is NOT going to get you there!" She mentioned how we watch the Olympics and hear tales of how incredibly talented all the competitors are, but we don't hear about the THOUSANDS of hours, of blood, sweat, and tears, that are put into those astounding performances. We are taught to think that something that amazing can only come through talent. Dr. Duckworth also talked about Westpoint. Apparently, there's a summer 'program' that all cadets have to pass through called 'Beast Barracks'. It sounds incredibly tough, and those who really want to go through Westpoint's program and succeed have to pass through this program and finish. She said that there is no relationship between talent and those who finish. A growth mindset and an ability to WORK and be willing to learn and even to fail is what helps us to finish and finish well. This made me think a little about IKEA furniture and my oldest son. My son needed a new bed for where he is staying so that he'd have enough room for a desk and all his little gadgets. We found a loft bed with a desk at IKEA. IKEA is, of course, famous for their 'adult LEGO' furniture. It was a good deal, though, so we bought all the boxes on the list and brought it home. I had to chuckle as we put it together, as it REALLY did feel like we were putting together a giant LEGO set! The two of us worked tirelessly for 2 days putting that together. I didn't urge him on with promises of ice cream when we finished or outings to amusement parks if we got it done in a timely manner. This was his bed. He knew that when it was done, he'd have something he could use and would be proud of. We enjoyed the time we had together working. When we finished, it was sturdy and awesome and its own reward. I highly recommend putting together IKEA furniture with your kids. It builds character! We all need to truly contemplate how we are rewarding, bribing, or perhaps over-praising our children. Are we offering them a bribery tart? Are we making it impossible for them to pass through the 'Beast Barracks'? Are we creating a 'what-did-you-bring-me' mindset? Or are we creating a growth mindset and teaching them how to build bunk beds, speak Chinese, run with marines, enjoy making music, and make homemade chocolate chip cookie and crepe Tie Fighters? References:
Dennis, Steve. nd. "What's the problem with bribes?". Retrieved from: file:///C:/Users/Andrew/Downloads/faml120_document_whatsTheProblemWithBribes%20(2).pdf NBC News. 2012. “True Grit, can we teach it to children?”. Retrieved from: https://www.nbcnews.com/video/true-grit-can-you-teach-children-character-44432451969 Pocock, Joanna. 2017. “Are we spoiling our kids with too much praise?”. Retrieved from: https://daily.jstor.org/are-we-spoiling-our-kids-with-too-much-praise/ Pudewa, Andrew. nd. Institute for Excellency in Writing. Retrieved from: https://iew.com/ Studio C. 2016. 'The great British bakeoff'. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIrRpgWfY4M An extra bonus feature--a podcast with Andrew Pudewa by by Kristi Clover at Live Simply Be Joyful all about helping children be motivated: https://kristiclover.com/sjp-20-andrew-pudewa-motivate-kids-secret-strategies-parents-will-love/
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Have you ever thought about the fact that while we as parents help our children to grow, that we need to grow with them? We are always growing! Even though we, as adults, are mostly grown, we still have a lot to learn! One of the most important things we can learn as parents is how to roll with the developmental stages of our children. While everyone is unique and all of us learn and grow at different speeds and different depths, the developmental stages of children is fairly predictable. Think of every 'well-child' doctor visit you've ever taken your child to--the doctor checks for height and weight and gives you a percentile; they check on motor skills and emotional and intellectual development; they're looking for developmental milestones to make sure there aren't any major concerns. (My developmental chart didn't make it out in one piece!) The chart that is pictured is an extremely simplified developmental chart from birth through 17 years old. As you can see, there are so many steps that children go through as they learn to maneuver the world around them. (Many of these stages I found at the CliffsNotes Psychology page.) As parents, we really need to be aware of where are children are. In the book 'The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting' by Laurence Steinberg, chapter 4 discusses the importance of the growth and adaptation of parents. Mr. Steinberg mentions that often, when parents seem to be clashing with their children, it's because they're not paying attention to the stage where their child is currently 'residing'. When your child is 5 or 6, answering a question as to why they have to brush their teeth with a 'because I said so', may work--but it doesn't at age 15! They now need to know why and want an in-depth scientific explanation. A 'because I said so' response to ANYTHING at age 15 will be met with defiance. It's not because your child now hates you and will defy everything you say. It's because they're preparing to be independent and need you to help them along that path. One of the most impressive things that I took from this book was when he talked about the fear of 'losing control' or 'looking weak'. Sometimes we as parents want to make sure our child knows we're in charge. We want them to 'respect authority'--and often try to achieve this by force. But listen to what Mr. Steinberg says: Instead of trying to break the will of a strong-willed three-year-old by adamantly asserting your authority (an impossible strategy that will just frustrate both of you), you should acknowledge his need for independence and adjust your parenting accordingly. Rather than insisting that he does everything your way, for instance, you can help your child feel more grown up by allowing him to choose among different options (what to wear, what to eat, and so on) that are all acceptable to you. You aren't giving up your authority by doing this; you are using your authority in a more clever fashion. By doing this, you manage to accomplish what you want (because any choice he makes is okay with you), but you've also allowed your child to act his age. That's what I mean by keeping pace with your child's development. In other words, when we understand where our child is in their development and what he/she is trying to accomplish, we will know how to pick our battles! We don't lose authority by changing our parenting style to accommodate a new growth stage. We've not 'given in' to our child. We're not weak. We're learning wisdom and showing respect and love to our child. Once we know where they're coming from, we will understand better what to do. Mr. Steinberg shares four points for knowing what to do (and how to cope) during each stage: First: Remember that children grow on the outside AND on the inside! While you watch your 1 year old learn to walk, or your 12 year old grow taller than you, remember that their brain and emotions are growing as well. They're learning how to control their body at the same time that they're learning to interact with people and situations surrounding them. Second: While everyone is unique and the speed and timing of development does vary a bit with each person, the stages of development are fairly predictable. Since they're predictable, arm yourself! Look up the different stages and learn what will be coming next. There are many books and online sites where you can learn all about the different stages that children are going through (see the CliffsNotes site, for example). If you know what's coming, you won't be blindsided by it and wonder where this alien life-form came from. You'll be prepared to roll with the punches and continue to have a great relationship with your child as you learn and grow together. Third: Neither of you can control the physical and physiological changes that are happening. You can't stop them. You can't slow them down. Each stage has WONDERFUL parts--your baby learning to crawl, your teenager able to hold intelligent and delightful conversations, but it also has difficult parts--your baby not sleeping through the night, your teen's pendulum of moods. It's all part of the stage of development and there's nothing we can do about it. We've done nothing wrong when our teen tells us they hate us and we will never understand them. They're just trying to figure out the world. It's not our fault when our baby won't stop crying at night. We have to learn to accept the stage where they are and remember that it's not our fault, it's not their fault, and we can't rush them through the difficult bits. Fourth: The forces that are creating the difficulties and the impetus in each stage are what seem to make parenting so much more difficult. His examples: a 3 year old is now yelling NO! at everything and asserting their independence at every turn (he also mentions that 'terrible twos' is a misnomer--it's actually the threes you need to watch out for, and I heartily agree!!), but this same antagonism is what helps them decide to potty train. Or the constant debating that you get from your new teen is the same intellectual growth that is helping him to be curious and think in an abstract way. As you can see, our children need for us to understand what they're going through so that we can be better guides. There's so much for us to learn. I have LOVED every stage my children have been through--and while there have been (and still are) aspects that are difficult, it has been a wonderful learning journey for all of us. Last of all, as we're growing as parents, we need to remember--ALWAYS remember--that our children are growing, too! Just as plants need water, sunshine, air, and good soil, our children need LOTS of love and interaction from their parents! This video on the still-faced effects of parenting was fascinating. It broke my heart to watch this little baby be ignored and to see how she reacted to her mother's non-interaction. Please be there for your children! They really do need you! References:
CliffsNotes. 2020. Psychology: Development in infancy and childhood. Retrieved from: https://www.cliffsnotes.com/study-guides/psychology/psychology/developmental-psychology-age-013/development-in-infancy-and-childhood Steinberg, Laurence. 2005. The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster. Tronick, E. 2009. The still face experiment. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0&feature=emb_title During the second week of my class, we were asked to look over specific quotes by LDS prophets and find articles online that upheld those teachings. I loved this assignment. Our children are so precious, and that's something that we need to remember--even when they act up! I decided to post my entire assignment here, since I found it to be so impactful. Enjoy! Quote #1: “Bring up your children in the love and fear of the Lord; study their dispositions and temperaments, and deal with them accordingly, never allowing yourself to correct them in the heart of passion; teach them to love you rather than fear you.” –Brigham Young, Discourses, 1941, 207 Brigham Young stated that we should never correct our children ‘in the heart of passion’, so I decided with this quote that it deserved a contrast that states the horrible effects of harsh physical punishment. In the article ‘The Harmful Effects of Physical Punishment for Children’ from the website ‘Step to health’ (2020), a few of the mental and physical results of abuse are shared. And yes, I agree that corporal punishment can be considered abuse. One of the things the author points out is a question: “Do you really think a spanking is going to get your baby to stop crying?” It’s a valid question! Some of the damage caused to infants and young children can include repression of feelings, an inability to show love for fear of rejection, fear of crying, eating, and sleeping, being accustomed to pain and fear, and an inability to trust themselves. Some infants will be afraid to ask for food or water for fear of punishment! Spanking and smacking can cause physical problems, as well. Severe consequences can include decreased mobility, brain damage, bone dislocation, blindness, and ruptures of blood vessels. Extreme situations can also bring death to the child! Waiting until they’re older can have other serious consequences, since the child is more capable of connecting situations with life lessons. They may learn such things as the ‘importance’ of violence when trying to get what you want. Perhaps they see that if you want to be respected, have authority, or make others share your point of view, then the only way to achieve that is through violent acts. They learn that violence is the way to solve problems. However, violence is not the way to raise happy, secure children. Fear is not love nor respect. Quote #2: “I have never accepted the principle of ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’. I will forever be grateful for a father who never laid a hand in anger upon his children. Somehow, he had the wonderful talent to let them know what was expected of them and to give them encouragement in achieving it. I am persuaded that violent fathers produce violent sons. I am satisfied that such punishment in most instances does more damage than good. Children don’t need beating. They need love and encouragement.” --Gordon B. Hinckley, General Conference, October 1994 The article I found that perfectly emphasizes this quote is called ‘What Does Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child Mean?’ (Blevins, 2018) from a Christian website called ‘Crosswalk’. I felt like it was a fantastic comparison and gave some wonderful insights into the scriptural account of ‘spare the rod’. The author of the article first shares the original poem where this phrase is coined: If matrimony and hanging go By dest’ny, why not whipping too? What med’cine else can cure the fits Of lovers when they lose their wits? Love is a boy by poets stil’d; Then spare the rod, and spoil the child. The author then continues to point out that the original scripture verse in Proverbs 13:24 says nothing about spoiling children. It says, “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: But he who loves him chasteneth him betimes.” I loved that he pointed out that in biblical times, shepherds used a crook or a rod to guide their sheep. The rod was used to gently bring back the sheep that would begin to separate themselves from the flock and to keep them on the correct path to home or to the pasture. What a beautiful image this creates! The rod isn’t supposed to be used to beat a child—it is a symbolic image of gentle guidance and course correction. Quote #3: “Gordon liked to say that ‘his father never laid a hand on him except to bless him, and he intended to follow suit.” --Sheri L. Dew, Go Forward with Faith (1996), 141 Another fantastic article that refutes the old adage of ‘Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child’ (Brown, 2017) is found at the ‘Psychology Today’ website. This article, while slightly on the long side, was absolutely fascinating. One of my favorite quotes from the author states: “Most commonly, corporal punishment is enacted when a parental figure is no longer capable of managing his or her own emotional welfare.” I agree that when a parent is ‘at their wits’ end’ is usually when spanking, smacking, or beating occurs. According to President Hinckley, if we are able to control ourselves, and only use our hands to bless, perhaps we would think twice (or maybe more than twice!) before using our hands to beat and manipulate. Yet another reason for corporal punishment that the author points out is, “My father didn’t spare the rod, so neither shall I!” This statement shows how we all tend to be somewhat like our parents. If we don’t ‘lay a hand on [our children] except to bless [them]’, just imagine what we are passing on to all of the generations that come after us! Our children’s first instinct when difficult times arise will not be to spank, but to bless and love. ‘Religious and moral teachings’ was yet another point the author made about the use of corporal punishment. It is true that in a great deal of Christian literature about child-rearing, there is often the discussion of spanking and its uses. I do find it surprising, since it has been pointed out that ‘the rod’ used in the scriptures was not used to beat but to guide. The author, however, states that corporal punishment is often used to ‘shape ideology’ and keep children in line with conservative teachings. In many cases this backfires and makes the children resent the parents as well as the teachings. I think, however, my favorite part about this article was the author’s turning of the tables. He asks why, if it is acceptable to spank or beat children, it’s not acceptable to spank or beat adults and co-workers. They need to learn a lesson, too, from time to time, so why can’t we spank adults? In adults this would be considered abuse. If it is abuse toward adults, who are fully grown and fully able to control themselves and understand what is going on, then why is it acceptable to spank and beat children who don’t completely understand and are innocent and unable to control nor defend themselves? We should not be using our hands to beat them into submission. Finally, the author asks if we are being good overall examples to our children. Are we advocating for them and teaching them good parenting skills? Are we good role models? Would we WANT our children to do as we have done? In reality, we should be using our hands to bless and love our children at all times. References:
Blevins, K. (2018). What does ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ mean in the Bible? Crosswalk.com. Retrieved from: https://www.crosswalk.com/faith/bible-study/what-does-spare-the-rod-spoil-the-child-mean.html Brown, A. D. (2017). Spare the rod and spoil the child. Psychology Today. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/towards-recovery/201711/spare-the-rod-spoil-the-child Step to Health. (2020). The harmful effects of physical punishment for children. Retrieved from: https://steptohealth.com/the-harmful-effects-of-physical-punishment-for-children/ |
MOM!There is so much that can be said in that one little word... We can all use a little help as we navigate our lives as parents! ArchivesCategories |