Have you ever thought about the fact that while we as parents help our children to grow, that we need to grow with them? We are always growing! Even though we, as adults, are mostly grown, we still have a lot to learn! One of the most important things we can learn as parents is how to roll with the developmental stages of our children. While everyone is unique and all of us learn and grow at different speeds and different depths, the developmental stages of children is fairly predictable. Think of every 'well-child' doctor visit you've ever taken your child to--the doctor checks for height and weight and gives you a percentile; they check on motor skills and emotional and intellectual development; they're looking for developmental milestones to make sure there aren't any major concerns. (My developmental chart didn't make it out in one piece!) The chart that is pictured is an extremely simplified developmental chart from birth through 17 years old. As you can see, there are so many steps that children go through as they learn to maneuver the world around them. (Many of these stages I found at the CliffsNotes Psychology page.) As parents, we really need to be aware of where are children are. In the book 'The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting' by Laurence Steinberg, chapter 4 discusses the importance of the growth and adaptation of parents. Mr. Steinberg mentions that often, when parents seem to be clashing with their children, it's because they're not paying attention to the stage where their child is currently 'residing'. When your child is 5 or 6, answering a question as to why they have to brush their teeth with a 'because I said so', may work--but it doesn't at age 15! They now need to know why and want an in-depth scientific explanation. A 'because I said so' response to ANYTHING at age 15 will be met with defiance. It's not because your child now hates you and will defy everything you say. It's because they're preparing to be independent and need you to help them along that path. One of the most impressive things that I took from this book was when he talked about the fear of 'losing control' or 'looking weak'. Sometimes we as parents want to make sure our child knows we're in charge. We want them to 'respect authority'--and often try to achieve this by force. But listen to what Mr. Steinberg says: Instead of trying to break the will of a strong-willed three-year-old by adamantly asserting your authority (an impossible strategy that will just frustrate both of you), you should acknowledge his need for independence and adjust your parenting accordingly. Rather than insisting that he does everything your way, for instance, you can help your child feel more grown up by allowing him to choose among different options (what to wear, what to eat, and so on) that are all acceptable to you. You aren't giving up your authority by doing this; you are using your authority in a more clever fashion. By doing this, you manage to accomplish what you want (because any choice he makes is okay with you), but you've also allowed your child to act his age. That's what I mean by keeping pace with your child's development. In other words, when we understand where our child is in their development and what he/she is trying to accomplish, we will know how to pick our battles! We don't lose authority by changing our parenting style to accommodate a new growth stage. We've not 'given in' to our child. We're not weak. We're learning wisdom and showing respect and love to our child. Once we know where they're coming from, we will understand better what to do. Mr. Steinberg shares four points for knowing what to do (and how to cope) during each stage: First: Remember that children grow on the outside AND on the inside! While you watch your 1 year old learn to walk, or your 12 year old grow taller than you, remember that their brain and emotions are growing as well. They're learning how to control their body at the same time that they're learning to interact with people and situations surrounding them. Second: While everyone is unique and the speed and timing of development does vary a bit with each person, the stages of development are fairly predictable. Since they're predictable, arm yourself! Look up the different stages and learn what will be coming next. There are many books and online sites where you can learn all about the different stages that children are going through (see the CliffsNotes site, for example). If you know what's coming, you won't be blindsided by it and wonder where this alien life-form came from. You'll be prepared to roll with the punches and continue to have a great relationship with your child as you learn and grow together. Third: Neither of you can control the physical and physiological changes that are happening. You can't stop them. You can't slow them down. Each stage has WONDERFUL parts--your baby learning to crawl, your teenager able to hold intelligent and delightful conversations, but it also has difficult parts--your baby not sleeping through the night, your teen's pendulum of moods. It's all part of the stage of development and there's nothing we can do about it. We've done nothing wrong when our teen tells us they hate us and we will never understand them. They're just trying to figure out the world. It's not our fault when our baby won't stop crying at night. We have to learn to accept the stage where they are and remember that it's not our fault, it's not their fault, and we can't rush them through the difficult bits. Fourth: The forces that are creating the difficulties and the impetus in each stage are what seem to make parenting so much more difficult. His examples: a 3 year old is now yelling NO! at everything and asserting their independence at every turn (he also mentions that 'terrible twos' is a misnomer--it's actually the threes you need to watch out for, and I heartily agree!!), but this same antagonism is what helps them decide to potty train. Or the constant debating that you get from your new teen is the same intellectual growth that is helping him to be curious and think in an abstract way. As you can see, our children need for us to understand what they're going through so that we can be better guides. There's so much for us to learn. I have LOVED every stage my children have been through--and while there have been (and still are) aspects that are difficult, it has been a wonderful learning journey for all of us. Last of all, as we're growing as parents, we need to remember--ALWAYS remember--that our children are growing, too! Just as plants need water, sunshine, air, and good soil, our children need LOTS of love and interaction from their parents! This video on the still-faced effects of parenting was fascinating. It broke my heart to watch this little baby be ignored and to see how she reacted to her mother's non-interaction. Please be there for your children! They really do need you! References:
CliffsNotes. 2020. Psychology: Development in infancy and childhood. Retrieved from: https://www.cliffsnotes.com/study-guides/psychology/psychology/developmental-psychology-age-013/development-in-infancy-and-childhood Steinberg, Laurence. 2005. The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster. Tronick, E. 2009. The still face experiment. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0&feature=emb_title
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