We are huge fans of the old Studio C team. I could never name a favorite, since 95% of them make me laugh out loud, but one that we quote often is 'The Great British Bake-off'. One of the tarts made for the 'competition' is the 'bribery tart'--which was a plate full of artfully arranged money instead of a tart. What did this young lady hope to accomplish by offering the judges a plate full of money? She was hoping to win without doing any of the effort. When we began this week's study on bribes and our children, I had the bribery tart on my mind constantly. 'Winning without effort' is exactly what happens when we give our kids unrelated 'rewards' or 'incentives' for doing something. Offering sums of cash in order to 'motivate' our children to finish their homework, for example, doesn't help them finish well. The focus changes from learning and gaining knowledge, to a monetary outcome. Some parents might argue: "But when our children grow up, they'll go to work! And what is the 'reward' for work? Money! Shouldn't we be training them to earn money?" Absolutely! I am 100% in the camp that believes that kids need to earn money and learn how to be wise stewards before they leave home! They need to know the value of money, how to save, how to spend wisely, how to use checks and debit cards, how to keep track of their accounts and their spending, what happens when they overspend, how to avoid credit card debt, how to make wise loan decisions, etc. But paying them for doing their homework is a disservice. It teaches them to focus on the wrong reward. The natural reward for completing your homework is not financial gain. It is knowledge and perseverance. In an article titled, "Are We Spoiling Our Kids With Too Much Praise?", the author, Joanna Pocock, shares the perfect response to why bribes are harmful: "...the offering of additional rewards devalues an already self-justifiable activity, which from the student’s perspective translates as, ‘If someone has to pay me for doing this, it must not be worth doing for its own sake.’" Isn't it true that sometimes when we're given a reward for doing something, it may lessen the feeling of accomplishment that comes with it? What if we paid our children to participate in an orchestra or to practice. What would happen to the feeling of joy when you finish playing a concert that you've worked so hard for? Might they not focus on the beauty of the music and instead just slog through so they can get their money? The natural reward of the feeling of accomplishment and joy in the music becomes tainted by something that is completely unrelated. Life is messy sometimes. Money, bags of candy, unmerited outings are not always the reward for a job well done. Shouldn't we be teaching that to our children as well? Shouldn't we teach them how to feel and accept the natural rewards that come through our efforts?
Now, don't get me wrong. I do reward my kids. I give incentives. There are things that happen naturally when they do what they're supposed to do. Our kids get an allowance, but it's not arbitrary. Each month, we have personal interviews with our kids and ask them how they did on their chores. Then we discuss how much they think their efforts were worth. We have a pay scale with a low and a high amount. If they want to put in the effort for the higher allowance amount, they have to put in a lot of extra effort. They know this. An example of a good incentive is pictured here. My daughter takes Chinese lessons. She works really hard. At the end of each quarter, her Chinese tutor sends her a package full of Chinese things: snacks, trinkets, letters. She requires my daughter to make a video of her opening the package and describing each item in Chinese. Then she gets to enjoy all of her goodies. It's a really fun treat while still incorporating her learning and rewarding her hard work. We have treats for specific parts of our day. We all get treats during our quiet reading time--but it's not a bribe that says, 'if you read for 30 minutes, then I'll give you a piece of candy!' It's more of a, 'it's time to relax, here's a snack or a treat, go read and re-group.' At the end of every two weeks, if everyone feels like they've worked hard in their school work and homework, my kids get to buy music to download on their devices. They all listen to motivating music while they read or study, so we all felt like this was something that went hand-in-hand. My kids all have musical talents that they practice--the rewards for that is a family orchestra where we all play together. We get new music every few weeks and enjoy playing together. Our reward is being together and enjoying the music we play. There are SO many different types of rewards! It is up to us, as parents, to really put some thought into those rewards. Just as punishments should fit the crime, rewards should fit the endeavor. I've always struggled with this idea of the word 'bribes'. One of our favorite instructors, Andrew Pudewa, from Institute for Excellence in Writing (IEW) once said that bribes are things that you give people to do something illegal. I thought about that, and wondered if since what I'm asking my kids to do isn't illegal, can it be called a bribe? Perhaps not, but there's something else to consider. Mr. Pudewa also stated 3 laws about motivation in children: 1. Children like to do what they can do. 2. Children want to do what they think they can do. 3. Children hate and will refuse to do what they think they cannot do. I agree with this. So what does this have to do with bribes, and why could over-praising and over-rewarding our kids actually become an 'illegal' activity? A few thoughts come to mind from an article by Dr. Steve Dennis, College Dean of Education & Human Development of BYU-Idaho. In his article, titled "What's the Problem with Bribes?", he discusses some of the negative outcomes from over-incentivizing and over-praising our children. One thing he mentioned in particular were the 'if', 'then' statements. "If you memorize that poem, I'll take you to play mini-golf!" I admit that I've done this sort of thing in the past. If my child really struggled with something, and cried non-stop while trying to accomplish it, I wanted them to have something to look forward to! But Dr. Dennis said something that really made me think: "This “if-then” approach may occasionally spur the child toward an immediate goal. But it seldom, if ever, inspires her toward continual efforts. Our very words convey to her that we doubt her ability to change for the better. “If you learn the poem” means “We are not sure you can.”" I had to stop and think about this. When I do this to my kids, am I really telling them that I don't think they can do it on their own? Is that what they hear? And here I was thinking I was spurring them on to greatness. I suppose it’s not ‘spurring them on’, since they won’t focus on the task and doing it well, only finishing it so they can get a treat and move on to the next horrible task. Will it bring on Mr. Pudewa's third law of motivation? Will they think they can't do it, so they won't? Should that be considered illegal? Another interesting thought from Dr. Dennis is the idea of expecting rewards. What happens if we ALWAYS bring home a treat from the grocery store for our kids? It no longer becomes a special treat, but an entitlement. And what about once our child figures out that if he doesn't finish his homework on time, we'll 'bribe' him with money--so he'll stop doing ALL of his homework with the anticipation of earning more money from us as we beg him to finish what he's been assigned!! That seems like that should be illegal, too... Dr. Dennis said this about this situation: “Some children purposely misbehave in order to get their parents to pay them to behave better. Such reasoning may soon lead to bargaining and blackmail, and to ever-increasing demands for prizes and fringe benefits in exchange for 'good' behavior. Some parents have been so conditioned by their children that they do not dare come home from a shopping trip without a present. They are greeted by the children not with a 'Hello', but with a 'What-did-you-bring-me?' Rewards are most helpful and more enjoyable when they are unannounced in advance, when they come as a surprise, when they represent recognition and appreciation.” Isn't it so much more fun, so much more rewarding, to receive a prize that was unanticipated? The first time my daughter received her Chinese care package, she was so surprised! She didn't know it was something her teacher liked to do after 3 months of hard work! It wasn't something she was working toward; it wasn't something on her radar. It was a fun surprise, and it still is! I would much rather have my child finish their work, then surprise them (once in awhile, mind you), with a special treat for their efforts. Of course, if it happens all the time and for every little thing, it could slide right back into the 'what-did-you-bring-me' category. It would be switched to 'what-are-you-going-to-give-me-now-that-I-finished' category, but it's basically the same thing. We have to consider our rewards. Once we start to really consider what we're doing to our children when we praise them for every single little thing and offer rewards and bribes in order to get them to comply, we can see that these things truly are not going to help our children in the long run. Effort will help them. Hard work will help them. Learning from mistakes and failure will help them. Teaching them pride in a job really well done will help them. As Dr. Duckworth said in a fantastic video about teaching our children GRIT: "Talent is NOT going to get you there!" She mentioned how we watch the Olympics and hear tales of how incredibly talented all the competitors are, but we don't hear about the THOUSANDS of hours, of blood, sweat, and tears, that are put into those astounding performances. We are taught to think that something that amazing can only come through talent. Dr. Duckworth also talked about Westpoint. Apparently, there's a summer 'program' that all cadets have to pass through called 'Beast Barracks'. It sounds incredibly tough, and those who really want to go through Westpoint's program and succeed have to pass through this program and finish. She said that there is no relationship between talent and those who finish. A growth mindset and an ability to WORK and be willing to learn and even to fail is what helps us to finish and finish well. This made me think a little about IKEA furniture and my oldest son. My son needed a new bed for where he is staying so that he'd have enough room for a desk and all his little gadgets. We found a loft bed with a desk at IKEA. IKEA is, of course, famous for their 'adult LEGO' furniture. It was a good deal, though, so we bought all the boxes on the list and brought it home. I had to chuckle as we put it together, as it REALLY did feel like we were putting together a giant LEGO set! The two of us worked tirelessly for 2 days putting that together. I didn't urge him on with promises of ice cream when we finished or outings to amusement parks if we got it done in a timely manner. This was his bed. He knew that when it was done, he'd have something he could use and would be proud of. We enjoyed the time we had together working. When we finished, it was sturdy and awesome and its own reward. I highly recommend putting together IKEA furniture with your kids. It builds character! We all need to truly contemplate how we are rewarding, bribing, or perhaps over-praising our children. Are we offering them a bribery tart? Are we making it impossible for them to pass through the 'Beast Barracks'? Are we creating a 'what-did-you-bring-me' mindset? Or are we creating a growth mindset and teaching them how to build bunk beds, speak Chinese, run with marines, enjoy making music, and make homemade chocolate chip cookie and crepe Tie Fighters? References:
Dennis, Steve. nd. "What's the problem with bribes?". Retrieved from: file:///C:/Users/Andrew/Downloads/faml120_document_whatsTheProblemWithBribes%20(2).pdf NBC News. 2012. “True Grit, can we teach it to children?”. Retrieved from: https://www.nbcnews.com/video/true-grit-can-you-teach-children-character-44432451969 Pocock, Joanna. 2017. “Are we spoiling our kids with too much praise?”. Retrieved from: https://daily.jstor.org/are-we-spoiling-our-kids-with-too-much-praise/ Pudewa, Andrew. nd. Institute for Excellency in Writing. Retrieved from: https://iew.com/ Studio C. 2016. 'The great British bakeoff'. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIrRpgWfY4M An extra bonus feature--a podcast with Andrew Pudewa by by Kristi Clover at Live Simply Be Joyful all about helping children be motivated: https://kristiclover.com/sjp-20-andrew-pudewa-motivate-kids-secret-strategies-parents-will-love/
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